Top Secret Shoulder

I haven't been able to move my shoulder in a meaningful way for almost two weeks. I discovered that I was in agonizing pain during yoga class when I went to do a Chaturanga, and belly flopped instead. It's like there is a crinkly, crackily band of bundled up muscle knots surrounding my shoulder blade...

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God, that picture you posted on Facebook is so hot. Your sleeve rolled up, your smiling eyes peeking above the edge of your mask, that sticker you got because you were really good. Are you kidding me? Wait, wait, take a shot of the vaccination card with the date of your next injection on it....

New Years Eve Eve Rage

I am writing this in a robe, on my bed, post the bath that I took after the meltdown I had right after dinner. I had this meltdown because I hate my family. Today. I hate my family, today. I've been trapped in the house with them for ten months, and I hate them. I...

My 8th Grade Year Book – #Me Too

I found my eighth grade yearbook on a quick visit to my mom's basement. Actually, my 11 year old found it stuck between some coffee table books my mom had retired to the downstairs. How it got there, no one knows. Alice wanted to see what I looked like when I was her age, and...

December? Duck and Cover.

Today is December 2nd. Only 29 more days of 2020, and I'm here to say... SO WHAT?! If 2020 has taught us anything its that the expression "It can't get worse" is FALSE. It CAN get worse. It keeps getting worse, and so in in the next 29 days, here's what I am preparing for....

Finally, I Can Think Again

It's been a long, foggy, four years and I am here to proclaim that my brain is back from vacation. She's been living her best life in Rio. Basically what happened was Trump got elected and she was like, -Bicch, I am going to buy myself a fluorescent pink thong, some nipple covers with tassels,...

Another Decision Might Break Me

It's only October and this week went on for seven years. It was actually as long as Owen is old. How are we expected to get through the rest of this year when every day is almost a year long? The week began with school for the kids, work for Peter, and Indigenous Peoples Day...

Exhausted

2020. Wow, mama. You sure do know what you're doing. I can barely keep my eyes open. It's almost as if 2020 is my toddler with constant diarrhea, an ear infection and a face smeared with pea smush. Apologies for the visual, but really, I'm so ready for this ugly, cranky, messy, baby to go...

Oh No. I Found TikTok.

Alice is 11, which means she's always dancing. Well, really TikTok dancing, which is kind of like spontaneous and sequential choreographed convulsing. When she's making a snack, she'll get out a knife and then - hip pop. She'll be getting dressed, put on her shirt and then - arm roll. She'll be brushing her teeth,...

Back to School – The Fuck Everything Edition

Hi kids, I am sure you are reading this. Alice, I know you are, so I need you to X out now and pretend you never saw any of this. Bye sweetie. Mommy loves you and is so proud of you. Kissy kissy. Love you more. Ok, buh bye. Now that that's settled... Fuck Everything....